Hello Little Children , Come to Mama

Perhaps, I am coming of age. Maybe I am lonely enough. Maybe I can't ignore my calling anymore. I actually want to have a child. Yes, I heard you, I have always wanted children right? I am like an Angelina Jolie right? Adopting half of China right? These days, I actually want to have my own child. One that comes out from my body. Even though it will take me ages, lots of sweat and money (hiring a nutrionist and personal trainer is so bloody expensive here) after child birth. Even though I am scared out of my wits to go through pregnancy. Even though I am not sure how I am going to bring him up.

Ironically, I never really feel the pressure to marry by a certain age. Even more ironic, I can heard my biological clock ticking away. My eggs are getting too old for child birth in the next few years. I am not sure I can actually survive a child birth given my body condition in the next few years. While my cut off age for marriage is 35, my cut off age for child birth is 32. I want to be fair to my yet to be born child. I want my egg to be fresh enough so that he will get a good head start in life. I want to be fit enough to run with him in the botanics garden, chasing after butterflies. I want to be healthy enough to see him graduate from his degree, to see him find a nice girl, to see him agonise through relationship hardships, to see him find happiness in life.

I don't know I will get to do that though. As I inch towards the cut off date, I get more worried. That perhaps, I will not find the right person to father my child. Perhaps there isn't enough time to find a man who wants to have a child with me. I am toying with the idea of having a child before I find that man, or before he finds me.